


Doubts {TRIGGER WARNING INCLUDED!}

by Dannylinchen



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-25 22:31:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14986991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dannylinchen/pseuds/Dannylinchen
Summary: Wrote this song fic a few weeks ago because of many dark thoughts in my head. I want you all to know that none of this what's described in here has happened. I'm strong enough since over a year not doing it, that's why I had to write it down.Please promise me that you'll never do anything like that to yourselfes. I know it's hard sometimes, espcially when your mind won't shut up but you can do it! I believe in you!! ♥The song is "Doubt" by Twenty One Pilots.Even though this is heavy stuff, I hope you'll like it.





	Doubts {TRIGGER WARNING INCLUDED!}

_**Scared of my own image,  
scared of my own immaturity...** _

You were on the way to meet Lewis for a romantic evening when you saw your reflection in a shop window. You stopped and looked at yourself. "Oh my god, I look gross!" you whispered to yourself and let your fingers run through your hair. 'I can't go and see Lewis like this...' your anxiety crawled up your neck. You closed your eyes and tried to laugh at it. Why wouldn't he want to see you? You both were dating for so long now. You got intimitate, enjoyed every single minute together, even your brother Valtteri could not imagine anyone else together but you two. You laughed at youself "Damn Y/N you're so stupid sometimes" your feet started to walk again, pulling your eyes away from the shop window. 'your makeup isn't on point at all!' 'Did you see that one strand of hair that wasn't put perfectly in place?' 'Oh god, if only Jules would be here...' you abruptly stopped... You could not do this. You could not go having an awesome evening with your boyfriend while looking that awful. He would hate you for showing up like this. Your mind was right. If only Jules was there to help you getting ready fot this...Valtteri and you missed him so badly. You felt a tear dropping down your cheek and then you started to run. You ran like someone was chasing you. You ran out of town, into the woods.'you're so selfish! Val is missing your best friend too & you are crying like a baby because you could have needed him to help you with useless beauty stuff! He wouldn't even have bothered. He was a dude!'

_**Scared of my own ceiling,  
scared I'll die of uncertainty** _

Your feet tangled up in a tree root and you fell flat on your chest. The tumble took your breath away and you let out a blurble noise. You snatched up, feeling a piercing pain 'doesn't matter, I deserve this' you slog yourself along to a place where you were sure nobody would find you, not even Valtteri who used to play with u as kids here in the woods. You pulled your legs closer to your body and took your bag. You opened it and searched for something. It took you a little time but then you found it. A razor, that you hid deep in your bag, so your brother wouldn't find it and hide it from you. He hated it, when you hurt yourself. He, your family and Lewis tied EVERYTHING to make you feel better. You suffered from anxiety and depression since school and the loss of Jules . That was two years ago but you could not stop missig him...Val always said he could not too but he was the one who could handle it better...Since you were with Lewis, you felt a little better but he could not help you either. You pulled up the arms of your sweatshirt and set the razor to your arm. You knew this would hurt but it would also relieve a lot of the pain in your head 'come on Y/N do it' you sighted. Your mind would not shut up until you did it and so you set the first cut. It burned a little and then you took the second, the third....

_**Fear might be the death of me, fear leads to anxiety,  
Don't know what's inside of me...** _

Somewhere between cut number 12 and fifteen you stopped counting. Ramming the razor in your arm again and again. Being paralyzed by the pain and the relief at the same time. Blood was dripping down your arm, floating over your hand...As you hit one of the cuts for the third time, a sharp pain floated through your arm. "Ouch, you son of a bitch!" you cursed and dropped the razor. Your eyes wandered to your arm gaping about your masterpiece...'now it feels better...' your mind rewarded you. You took the razor from the forest ground to put it back. And while you opened your bag, you saw your phone flashing. You threw the blade into the bag and took it. 5 Missed calls and some new messages from Valtteri & Lewis

Val♥: Where are you?

Val♥: Lewis called me worried and said you didn't show up?!

Val♥: Y/N???????

Val♥: Answer the damn Phone!

 

__**Temperature is dropping, temperature is dropping,  
** I'm not sure if I can see this ever stopping,  
Shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts 

You put your phone back, blood still drippring from your arm. You didn't want to answer him. You did not want him and Lew to find you. They would get mad. Very mad. You promised them to talk to them instead of cutting yourself. You leaned back on a tree and realized how cold it was tonight outside...You didn't bring a jacket because Lewis flat wasn't far away from yours. Suddenly you felt dizzy and tired. The cold air was making you shiver. You closed your eyes...'what if I die now? I cut so deep..What if I freeze to death?' you suddenly panicked 'uh...who cares?' ...you sighted and closed your eyes "Right dear depression...who cares? Hopefully they just do not forget about me!" you whispered to yourself and closed your eyes "I'm a better person with them.." you said once again to yourself and then you passed out...

__**Don't forget about me,  
** Even when I doubt you,  
I'm no good without you 

.........................

"GOD DAMN IT LEWIS, WE HAVE TO FIND HER! ! WE PROMISED TO TAKE CARE OF HER! I SHOULD NOT LET HER GO ALONE EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T LIVE FAR AWAY! I AM A FUCKTARD AS A BROTHER!" Valtteri was completely freaking out. He kicked against the kitchen chair which immediatly dropped on the floor. Lewis was walking up and down the kitchen, trying to find an idea where Y/N could be. He already tired to phone her a thousand times but she didn't answer. They already searched in the streets for hours but they did not even get a glimpse of her. Val smashed a glass. "Hey dude! Stop it!" he tried to calm the Finn a little. He knew that Valtteri was as desperate and upset as him but he made him even more nervous. Lewis leaned against the kitchen counter, his nails digging into it "I really have no idea where she could have gone..." he sighed "Lew, we have to find her...we have to find my sister..." Valtteri's voice broke, and he was turning away before the Briton could see him crying. He also felt a big lump in his throat but he tried to stay strong. He needed to. He was a Champion..."Listen Val...I know...but it is like she disappeared..like she does not want to be found" He laid his Hand on Valtteri's shoulder "We just do not have to find your sister, we also have to find the love of my life...If we just had a track of her or something..."

_**Gnawing on the bishops,  
claw our way up their system...** _

Suddenly the Finn looked up at Lewis like he was Jesus. "A track...of course! Man you're a genius!" He ran up the stairs, into the bedroom of Y/N. Lewis followed him. "Valtteri...Y/N is not home...do you think...?" "Look man, I don't care, okay?" He said, starting the laptop of his his sister "What are you doing?" Val was nibbling on his thumb, impatiently waiting for the laptop to boot "Look last time Y/N lost her phone, she let install a GPS tracker in her new one because all those private photos of us were leaked on the internet and the old one was never found again...maybe we can find her with it." As soon as the laptop was booted, Val almost hacked into the keyboard by smashing the keys. Hopefully he'll find a GPS track. It felt like years for Lewis until the Laptop let out a little beep "There she is...near the old chemical factory...I think you were right, she did not want to be found, nobody goes there!" he jumped up from the chair, took the laptop "Come on, now we know were she is!" They ran downstairs, jumped into Lewis car and took off as fast as they could to find Y/N.

_**I'm no good without you...** _

They found her exactly where the GPS signal led them to. She was leaning against a tree. They ran towards her. Dropped on their knees. "Oh my god, she is so pale...Y/N...Y/N can you hear me?" Lewis cupped her face with his Hands "Princess please...wake up!" Valtteri stared at his sister for a moment, let his eyes wander over the motionless body. "Lew, her arm!" He took Y/N's arm and inspected it. "Oh my god, she is ice cold.." The Finn went pale "I-is she..?" Lewis shook his head "No she is just weak, her heart is still beating." The brother of the two ran back to the car, coming back with his first aid kid and a few blankets from the trunk. He carefully started to badage his sisters arm while Lewis was wrapping her into the blankets. As Valtteri was done, he lifted her up. The brother stroke through Y/N's hair "You promised to stop this stuff..." he whispered, knowing Lewis could hear him... They took Y/N back to the car and brought her back home...

.................

As you came back to consciousness, the sun was kissing your face...You opened your eyes and were...in Lewis bedroom? You tried to move but you couldn't. You tilted your head to the left, seeing Lewis next to you. His arms wrapped around your waist. You heard a little groan and a munching right into your ear and then you tilted your head to the right. Valtteri was lying there. His arms wrapped around Lewis, their legs tangled over yours. They were both holding you to keep you warm....Your arm was burning and then you started to remember what happened tonight. 'Oh my god, they will both be mad at me as soon as they will wake up' your thoughts immeadiately warned you. You tried to free yourself out of this knot of arms and legs of the two best friends "Hey...there you are again.." you heard Lewis whisper, his arm around your waist pushing you back on the bed. You gave him a frightened look "Hey Y/N...it is okay..don't be scared" He leaned forward and kissed you softly "You both are not mad a me?" you squeaked slightly, trying not to cry. "No we're not Y/N, we should have known better...I should have known better and not let you leave alone for Lewis' " Val muttered and sat up. His eyes small from being tired and his short hair was messy. You looked down on your arm. It was still banadaged. "W-what if anyone finds out? If Toto gets to know this, he wouldn't let me come to races anymore.." you looked at both of them, finding your anxiety coming back" "Hey" Valtteri stroke through your hair "Nobody has to know...I won't tell him but please don't ever do this again to us, okay? You scared the hell out of us Y/N!" You nodded. You would really try to talk to them next time. "I promise...but Jules would be mad at me now.." Your brother sat on the edge of the bed "No, he wouldn't and you know this, Y/N. He loved us and he still does..!" You stroke over Valtteris back "I know you miss him too, I wish I was as strong as you are, Val!" he smiled "You will someday, we gonna fight that damn anxiety and depression together! I promise!" Lewis pulled you into his arms and kissed your forehead "Even though we know that it is hard for you, please just don't do it again. Never ever. I cannot live with the thought of losing you, princess!" "Uh..." Your borther scratched his neck "I think I leave you both alone then?" He wanted to get up from Lewis bed but you pulled him back. "No please, don't leave, Val. I need you. I need both of you!" "Okay Y/N" he smiled again, his blue puppy eyes full of love for you, his sister. "As long as Lewis is fine with that?" Lewis laughed "Of course I am, I love both of you...and no Valtteri, I only going to marry your sister one day, not you!" The guy with the number 44 grinned, immediately earning a slap with a pillow in his face. You smiled, and all the thoughts from tonight were kind of gone for this moment. "There she is, my little sister smiling! That is how I want to see you!"... You sighed "I'm not that little anymore!" "doesn't matter Y/N! Older is older!" he giggled. Earning a pillow-slap back from Lewis. You sighed again...but it was no sad sigh...You felt kind of happy, having those two Boys around. You were glad they weren't mad at you. You loved them way too much...

__**I want the markings made on my skin,  
** To mean something to me again,  
Hope you haven't left without me.  
Don't forget about me,  
I'm no good without you ...♥ 

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this, leave a comment and / or Kudos :)


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